A message from the past

Hi!

Something I am working through is the process of getting more in touch  more  with  my innerchild, her emotions and her past as recalled and expressed in her own emotional aged voice that can get buried in what may be more Big World problems.
I'm having fun engaging in child voiced play through which she expresses herself with other 'innerkids' doing the same just being themselves in their own world and exploring things.
Sometimes it's the past that holds the key to those things that continue to affect how you see things and shape your responses to given situations like the extent you feel you may trust another or feeling anxious socially.
And those things unless you deal with them run on into the present by with people directly involved in your life or wish to have at some future point too.
Getting to a point the past is better understood, the real lessons learnt being able to move on from those all too real road blocks is one of my main aims.
It's also clear from discussion elsewhere sometimes even your encounters as that little (or middle) at this point in your life may bring issues that may leave you sad or hurt emotionally by they feeling abandoned, receiving hurtful comments and the like that you may need to work through.

Schools out

Well it's almost over, School Term that is having handed this test in, I'm so looking forward a well deserved break and you what I'd really love to do?
Something like this even though swings and I have a some unfortunate memories being a part of my difficulties falling a very bad fall from one in original childhood, climbing the climbing frame, swinging on a swing, running around in a nice summer dress with a group of girls of the same mindset.
That's the thing I really enjoy the most  outdoor fun and just being out helps me with my recollections of that time but it's more about moving on, getting on life and for me that life may be different but it's the one I like.
I intend to be out more weather permitting, relaxing, taking the day as it comes as that makes sense to me.

So begins another school day...

Another day in school before I brake up, this is quite true because  I do have things to study, research and even homework set to be done and am currently sat working on my end of term test assignment in uniform.
You might well be thinking why I might do this given in most respects I don't have to get up for anything much since the last few years when I was found not able to work with the many and overlapping disabilities I have.
The first and obvious thing to at least those who have seem me for real is the way my middle side comes out is that of a school aged girl, the age range as I mentioned a few times and not just on this blog being determined less by picking an age playing role as the all too real limits on my functioning.
Being the way I am means like with a good many actual children, school with it's routines, structures and support is something that makes me feel safe, secure even so being that person having some school work to do helps me feel comfortable with the world.
It's also the case when people set me work, they are really helping me because you're encouraging me to become more self disciplined which is something left entirely to my own devices I do struggle with because you set a task, a work level and a date to have it handed in completed by for marking.
Marking it helps not just by showing how much you value the fact I did it but also in showing me where I could do better that helps me learn how do tasks better.
So for me this whole thing is a very helpful part of my life.

Teenbeat XVIII

It was about 30 years ago a much anticipated album was released  but whose sales proved disappointing, so much so for a long time it wasn't available in compact disc form

The first thing that stuck me way back in 1985, pre internet and that was the cover that featured the artist clutching a Raggy Andy doll, a pose back then you seldom saw back then with adults, clearly drawing comfort from that in the way a child would.
In hindsight it was a 'it's okay' signal for me and maybe a few others to explore more around this whole area of being child-like and an adult.
The other thing beyond her artistry, established in 1983 and reaching its commercial peak with the Self Control album with it's clutch of 45's in 1984, was they dealt a lot with feelings and emotions with songs like Spanish Eddie and her cover of Alphaville's Forever Young.
Although I'd borrowed the compact disc it took a while to actually get a copy as it's sales were poor so few places stocked it and it joined a number of discs that soon became out of print to the point a few years back you could pay $130 or more for a decent copy.
Fortunately I have a decent copy apart from owning the American lp version brought from the 'cut out' bins where bargains were put back then with the record literally having a tiny potion of the sleeve cut out to denote it was deleted stock to be sold off cheap.

A trip along the canal

Hi folks and after Friday's popular post, here's something different.
As you may of gathered from reading this blog, our area is something of a transportation hub for much of England and an older form of it is the Canal network, originally built to transport goods across the country.
In our instance it was to transport Coal and Pottery from North Staffordshire across to Runcorn ready to make it's way to the Port of Liverpool for export.

 The above property was the (former) Lock-keepers cottage along our part of this important canal in the North-west Midlands and maintains much of its period look with the road it's on not being tarmac'd.

 Here's Leo, one of a goodly number of narrow boats to come along here this morning making its way toward Middlewich and then on Runcorn via Northwich.

The canal around here is at different levels thanks to local geography and so toward the far right there is a lock that acts a bit like a stairway allowing the narrow boat to climb to the right level and the point I took this this picture have just passed through one set of locks with only a short distance to go before meeting the next set.
There was actually a very famous set of steel locks just to the right built because this area suffers badly from salt related subsidence in 1958 and removed as they didn't work too well in the mid 1980's.

All pictures originationed on ye olde film and if think the colour saturation and contrast is great, that's no trick of photoshop, just gen-u-wine Lomography 100 colour print film properly exposed and scanned by Photo Hippo Ltd in Lancashire straight from the negatives.

Being Middle me

Just getting down to a spot of work here today before lunch and I'm going to write something about one of things we've touched on a couple of times in chat and occasionally elsewhere.

Everybody's lives not least their Middle or Little lives is different and that might be because of things like having a partner (or not) or how it is your middle or little side comes out and how that is balanced with your big side.
Indeed search this blog and you'll find I've written a few pieces around how we do that and the 'real world' challenges in dealing with it not least when it comes to being in the workplace.
Perhaps to a greater extent  than a good number of  us and within  'our group', my sense of middleness arises less than 'age playing' or even a relatively straightforward regression in a play situation than living with real life conditions that mean I'm in middle/little headspace most of the time and not by choice although as those of you who know me understand I don't have any time for regrets. For all that lead to those conditions, I enjoy being the person I am, limitations and all.
Those limitations are however just that, and without being hypercritical were not things that I've had much help in either dealing with or helping me make the most of  my reduced abilities at necessarily.
That does lead to area of my live that does differ than many although I can see some crossovers in the more mainstream ddlg world which is I have person who works with me on the things I have difficulty with such as staying focused on  a task, getting started on and working through the things I need to get done rather than just going with what's fun, dealing with stressful situations and some behavioural tracts amongst other things.
They recognize and work with me as that Middle with little side providing more the kind of loving care, support and structured environment that also is quite strict to help me be more productive and adopt better habits as that Middle.
In a very real way then, being and presenting as the adult schoolgirl I am ties in with this sense of having a caretaker/daddy-like figure in my life with me as that 'child'.
While he'd be the first to say the improvements in my life since his involvement in it come from my preparedness to work with him, to accept his authority (by agreement) working through it and accepting any discipline that may be needed at times, it's that support and guidance he's shown me that helped me turn a few corners so far to the point as I explained on Tuesday I did really well with my Homework (another thing that helps me focus on sticking to agreements, following schedules and working hard) which was a first for me given I've always sucked big time in the past with it.
And that working with who I am, a Middle, in a more Middles setting can help me so much in those situations I can't help avoid having to deal with the big world by helping me to be more responsible and learning more self discipline, not that removes all the problems but helps me feel more able to deal with things and be a bit more independent.
For me then Middles life and the ddlg dynamic go beyond pure lifestyle not that there's anything wrong with that but are an important part of helping me make the most of my life being fulfilled, able to take a bit more care of myself and handling responsibility better.
It may not qualify for the strict criteria around the term 'Therapy'  but for me this life is therapeutic. 

Photo'd Duck

Hi Hi folks, no idea what the weather is going to be like but like as from now I have my homework to do so I've made a start on this Monday's entry in advance

Ducks and Swans have been a favourite thing of mine to just sit out and watch, be they in a parkside lake or like in this picture I took recently, swimming on our local canal.
As with every film sourced picture I take that sharp eye on the duck to the right, was done by hand on my Zuiko 135mm moderate telephoto lens, this time on the OM20 camera using Fuji's Superia 200 film.

 A few days ago a box arrived at my door and it contains this, a Olympus Zuiko 75-150mm F4 telephoto zoom lens I managed to get 'dirt cheap' tm.
Generally the fixed length lenses tend to be better however there are times, and pictures like the above are one, when being able to make quick, precise decisions on framing the subject using the lens can help as well as saving you changing lenses frequently with the potential loss of opportunity as you switch them apart from physically having to carry two or more.
I find it is rare I need bigger telephoto's such as the  200 and 300mm ones on an everyday basis so this and say the small   35mm wide angle and 50mm  is often all I need out with me.
I've yet to take a few pictures with it but what I'm seeing through the viewfinder looks very sharp indeed.

Horned edition Part II

During the week I was out and spotted Him with bigger horns!

Seeing I had my camera with me I took this picture, originated on Fuji Superia 200 film which was fun because you had to focus by hand and because of my poor left vision, I normally need a bit on the camera to make things in the viewfinder appear in focus so I could see what I was doing but realized I'd left it behind!
Thankfully I just spotted the point of sharpest focus on his eyes in this picture.

 

Then I spotted his neigh bour being ably looked after in the adjoining stable area which brought back memories cos the last time I had my film camera near horses, one of them stole me camera bag!

It was taken on a big 300mm telephoto lens, supported on a fence on the day realized my tripod (three legged support) was damaged.

If you think the last picture looks a bit more defined that's cos it's scanned at 3637 x 2433 which is over 8megapixels by  Photo Hippo Ltd, in Burnley, Lancashire who took over the Fuji Labs service whose turnaround is quite quick (five days from mailing film Saturday to arriving Wednesday) and comes strongly recommended.