Post 600

I mentioned  a short while back at various places we were approaching the 600th post of this blog which by coincidence was just over a year and a week back and I was thinking about doing something a bit special.
Well other things intervened altering the posts between as well as the frequency a bit for good measure not least being very unwell recently and during that period I thought about some of things and people that matter  the most to me.
The first thing is there's a person who I've only known for a few years and due to distance I only see from time to time who in their own way has been such a inspiration and source of reassurance at times even though they themselves have had their own difficulties some of which we do have in common.
They've encouraged me to be more open about myself, who I am, what interests me with other people, to feel comfortable doing arts stuff like drawing which I've always had hang ups with just for the fun of it and above all just accepts me as I am.
The year has been hard for us both following the death of our (and probably for a good number of you, yours too) close friend where we've both been supporting each other  and both of us have been supported by others which has been a great source of comfort.
You're a star.
Then there are other people such as those that have given me a home from home where I can just relax with my mind free from some of the stuff that gets on top of me here, enjoying a meal and like minded company together.
Which if on it's own is something I'd be thankful for but you go much further than that, you look after me, not in a super fussy way but more an observing the scene and responding way, knowing that if I'm giving signs of been tired (and I tire easy) you'll get me to where I need to be, bed, in  suitably child-like way that leaves me feeling relaxed and very little.
Then there people who help me deal with some of baggage from the past because a number of my responses to situations has tripped me up, not just say from not doing something important but also making it harder for me  fit in cos I do things that can conflict with everyday norms, a good number of which I never really learned and was never expected to take any account of.
Sometimes because of some very bad encounters I had, I'd disengage first to avoid situations that had distressed me rather than mastering them.
Instead you've had higher expectations starting from the outset that I was to at least try to do what everyone else was expected to even if I needed a close eye on me and when I didn't you were prepared to follow through with appropriate child-like discipline to help me change.
A lot of people in a way gave up on me thinking I couldn't be given a second shot at getting this right but they didn't. Rather than feeling I could only mess up, they helped me replace it with a feeling I could get it right and if I messed up once, the by learning the right lesson, I get it right the next time.
For once I started to begin to look forward to social encounters knowing I'd be helped by firm, loving and caring people to handle them so I could enjoy my time with people more (and hopefully they'd feel the same).
And that does wonders for my self confidence.
In so many ways then  these things are the things that matter and have mattered so much to me over the last 100 odd posts here, the gifts that are priceless and to whom I am most thankful for.
**Thank You**

Being Middle me

Just getting down to a spot of work here today before lunch and I'm going to write something about one of things we've touched on a couple of times in chat and occasionally elsewhere.

Everybody's lives not least their Middle or Little lives is different and that might be because of things like having a partner (or not) or how it is your middle or little side comes out and how that is balanced with your big side.
Indeed search this blog and you'll find I've written a few pieces around how we do that and the 'real world' challenges in dealing with it not least when it comes to being in the workplace.
Perhaps to a greater extent  than a good number of  us and within  'our group', my sense of middleness arises less than 'age playing' or even a relatively straightforward regression in a play situation than living with real life conditions that mean I'm in middle/little headspace most of the time and not by choice although as those of you who know me understand I don't have any time for regrets. For all that lead to those conditions, I enjoy being the person I am, limitations and all.
Those limitations are however just that, and without being hypercritical were not things that I've had much help in either dealing with or helping me make the most of  my reduced abilities at necessarily.
That does lead to area of my live that does differ than many although I can see some crossovers in the more mainstream ddlg world which is I have person who works with me on the things I have difficulty with such as staying focused on  a task, getting started on and working through the things I need to get done rather than just going with what's fun, dealing with stressful situations and some behavioural tracts amongst other things.
They recognize and work with me as that Middle with little side providing more the kind of loving care, support and structured environment that also is quite strict to help me be more productive and adopt better habits as that Middle.
In a very real way then, being and presenting as the adult schoolgirl I am ties in with this sense of having a caretaker/daddy-like figure in my life with me as that 'child'.
While he'd be the first to say the improvements in my life since his involvement in it come from my preparedness to work with him, to accept his authority (by agreement) working through it and accepting any discipline that may be needed at times, it's that support and guidance he's shown me that helped me turn a few corners so far to the point as I explained on Tuesday I did really well with my Homework (another thing that helps me focus on sticking to agreements, following schedules and working hard) which was a first for me given I've always sucked big time in the past with it.
And that working with who I am, a Middle, in a more Middles setting can help me so much in those situations I can't help avoid having to deal with the big world by helping me to be more responsible and learning more self discipline, not that removes all the problems but helps me feel more able to deal with things and be a bit more independent.
For me then Middles life and the ddlg dynamic go beyond pure lifestyle not that there's anything wrong with that but are an important part of helping me make the most of my life being fulfilled, able to take a bit more care of myself and handling responsibility better.
It may not qualify for the strict criteria around the term 'Therapy'  but for me this life is therapeutic. 

Going forward

Not long before next weeks big event here so here's the post before the last which in some ways at least is connected .

 I recently saw this motivational piece of art a few weeks back and I feel it's kind of apt really not least with me, working with one person to assist me and having a bit to do with others who are working on things that hold us back be it unhelpful attitudes, perhaps learning the 'wrong' lessons from our past experiences or struggling with organizing life.
 Sometimes it's easy to go with easy, to think that the only things to do are just fun things and rely perhaps more than is good for you on others, ignoring the things that others may have gotten their heads around.
But it's never a all or nothing situation as being 'on the move' puts you ahead of those who aren't and as hard as the last two months have been for me making changes, living with rather more accountability than I'm used to, I am making progress which makes it all worthwhile, not least feeling calm enough to do things that have bad memories for me.
Thanks.

Ghoulish togetherness or Fall LG Camp

If anyone wondered why I was a bit quiet last week when it comes to social media and so on  it was because I was at a LG meet aka "Camp" for several days where we can all be ourselves for a few days although we had some planned activities organized by fellow attendees.
For me  it was a bit different as I spent a few days either side of camp ending at the one at the kind school with the Head Girl and First Former in full uniform to whom I travelled down with.
No need to fall off of the chair but the first time ever I had my nails painted  for the entire duration with help from a n other which apart from curing my nail biting issues also helped me feel more feminine so thank you for talking me into it.
The first day was more a meet and greet as we arrived in the late afternoon sharing candy and eating food (most had Indian takeways but GHS did their own catering) and games.
On Friday thanks to Y.T and the Bear, we had oatcakes and bacon with breakfast, had a Halloween  themed Fish and chip meal  that was ordered plus collected by a couple of attendees plus a competition for the best Halloween outfit so I had a Death Kitty black and pink netted skirt with skull and cross bones on with black tights followed in the evening by a ghoulish disco.
Also most attendees made Pumpkin Lanterns carving out ghoulish faces with knives that were lit with "Tea lights" but as I'm not good with those things I made this instead!

I'd had this set for a bit and took it with me to make as you can make three things from it so I opted to make a Helicopter.
Friday and Saturdays middayish meal was a hand prepared super cold meat platter with pork pie and  salad  people helped themselves to.
On the Saturday thanks to two persons, we had home made Pancakes with breakfast which was a choice of cereal and toast.
The "Sticky One" held a monster class where she gave a presentation about Monsters and handed out a task for completion,namely to draw a monster and explain all about it.
I drew "Persianous Cateious" who was a cat monster I imagined at the age of 7 who had bright yellow eyes,  who'd growl and tear me apart from under the bed with fawn and red coloured fur. As I explained the cat died of natural causes but it kept me  awake at night during that period as it scared me.
We were visited for the day by three long term friends who sadly aren't able to come for the whole time but spend the day with us which was kinda fun and two bought delicious cupcakes which I was noted to have eaten with fork and napkin most delicately so not to get it all over my clothes and face.
Also, as it had been sunny, a swing had been temporarily erected in the grounds so I spent some time swinging back and forth on it without a care in the world.
In the afternoon, one member organized a treasure hunt based around the Addams Family stories centring on solving the mystery of Who Killed Mrs Death (The Cat) with clues positioned in the building to find and read which when I found it were read with my obvious accent!
The Green Team created a lovely chicken roast evening meal with a choice of deserts from scratch. 
The Sunday was more taken up with packing ones case, tidying up the place for the people we pay to use it and saying goodbyes. Those of us leaving late had a meal from the left overs before departing and our group went back via a well known Black Country castle to school enjoying a takeaway meal together before I left for the rail station the following day.
Thanks to the Organizers, the littles who bigged up to do stuff like cook, tidy up, run events and fetch food and the GHS people for making it possible for me to attend such a hugely enjoyable event.

The Middle side of Little: Frilled in skater skirt with side pleats, I actually enjoyed arriving at camp looking more little and can 'own' being a bit  more frilled than in the past which is something for me and thanks to all of you for helping me find the confidence  from within to step out my comfort zone and what is more, enjoy it.

Never forget

The needs of littles

I'll begin this entry by first of all thanking the current 18 followers of my Tumblr which isn't a replacement for my blog just a place where random posts that wouldn't of necessarily fitted in here go and a place where between us there's an exchange of ideas and points of view around being a little or perhaps more accurately for me , a middle where we're not bashing each other.
As one unfortunate side of  being me is I have migraines frequently, this is being typed in advance as I sense one come on and I'll polish it after being out of commission for a few days.
That takes me to the start of this piece which is that many littles, me included, need a sense of routine around our lives in order to feel secure emotionally being neither lost in world that might appear to be quite random or worrying be that the worry of not knowing what'll happen next or the worry of strange situations and people.
Actually most people do have set routines that they feel the need to complete usually around say eating routines such as getting up and having a round of toast and coffee not thanking you for changing it, but can deal with re-ordering events reasonably well which if you've ever been stuck in an airline terminal for hours you'll understand. It's just rather more intense for a good number of us. The world is out of control and we can't stand it! For me such things as colouring, school work, playing and so on all help to keep me calm.
Routine does almost invariable lead us into structure and while it's generally agreed most folks need some structure -changing the day structure around as people who work night shifts do creates issues - generally speaking for most adults they can create their own structures, for a number of us we're lost without one being in place, knowing such things as who is doing what, what are we exactly to do and who is in charge that for some of us is critical because we respond better for being in situations where effectively we're told we're now going to do this now rather than being relied upon to somehow read the unspoken signs.
It's hardly surprising therefore that for a number of us we miss greatly the structure of school to the point whereby we may role play it and that's indicative of  a need I feel.
Positive reinforcement comes in to as I suspect for a whole host of reasons: a number of  us have issues around self esteem, feeling less than confident in our abilities needing that  encouragement, that we're fine, what we're doing is okay turning out fine and as people we're good. Fortunately I get a lot of that in the workplace that helps when I'm battling with insecurities and can see if I was in relationship I'd need 'grooming' taking you back to that "That's a good girl stage".
To me these are among some of needs we have and are critical to be meet for our well-being  for me personally coming to terms with them has been a great help rather than just denying their existence.

Chores for Middles and littles

Today I thought I would give some thought to things a little or middle either in relationship or living with someone even on occasional basis can be encouraged to do for themselves

Own area
Making own bed
Getting clothes out for the next day
Hanging up own clothes neatly after wearing/washing
Making sure worn clothes are available for washing
Keeping own spaces tidy

Helping in the home 
Fixing own breakfast
Setting tables with cutlery, mats, glasses and cold refreshing drink
Clearing away and washing up afterward
Tidying away in other spaces after you
Helping with vacuuming
Feeding pets

Sometimes it can be easy to drift into a pattern where other people may not expect you to do (or be able to do)  these things which doesn't help you either with trying be more responsible and independent and may in a low key nagging way begin to undermine a relationship.

It also is the case that within reason, people shouldn't try to do that too, even if you  as a little or middle have a disability or two regardless of like a  number of folk  you may not of had to do much if any of these things in past yourself.