It's Christmas and I am sat next to this rather old computer my brother assembled a few years back as he gets through PC's like some folk get through cars - he has to update them every 12 months or so - while I keep them until they drop pieces on me.
It's hard to believe my Nan has been dead for just over a year and this time of year is difficult as Christmas for me always meant having family around, talking and playing with you as well as obviously sharing food so it all comes back to me.
This year though although I've had some more groan up things like an organizer, it's really been the small gifts like toy bears and cute socks I've really enjoyed and that makes sense to me because what makes me feel secure.
Although it came out in the summer I got the re-issued cd version of Jeff Wayne's Musical War of the World that originally came out when I was at school in 1978 and featured the hit song Forever Autumn by Justin Hayward.
It was cross between an audio adaptation with Richard Burton narrating the H G Wells novel but with a disco orchestrated musical background with songs.
This has been remixed and like some Rolling Stones discs I bought just over two years ago are super audio cds that play on my cd ordinary player. I don't know if I'll get a super audio one of them, mind.
Getting back to myself, this years been a rollercoaster for me, feeling like screaming at all the hours I've been expected to do losing so much of my time that it's the child like things I've been craving for increasingly.
I'm having my childhood back and I am thinking about making a space on this internet thing to jot it all down.
I'm away this week and I think Mommy made a pretty big mistake in my past even if in some ways now she's almost making up for it, that is she dressed me like this:
Really she should of chosen this instead:
Putting me in it as that's really much more me and sending me to school in girls uniform.
she's starting to accept that's really where I'm at now although several years back it was a very thorny issue that made being together difficult. This week for instance she saw me in my T shirt and netball skirt without batting an eyelid or feeling that she 'had' to comment and we've been clothes shopping together too.
You know, that last entry has had an effect on me, making me think.
You see I've been ill for a month now with stress from this groan up work, working from home loads of ours surrounded by emails and reports to read and respond to.
Surrounded by them I have bought myself schoolgirls blouses to wear at home because I've realized something and it is being at school with its rules, homework and so on actually was less stressful for me and I'd gladly swap places for all of that because I know the time afterwards is mine. While I'll ill, I'm going try to wear a uniform and follow some rules as I was happy to follow school rules because they kept me safe and I felt secure.
At the moment I've been working on things up to 10 o clock at night and this I know: I want out of the groan up world.
Snippets from the past are things I just keep on finding be they in my mind or in carefully stored correspondence so here's an entry from the past.
Today, I bought a T shirt and a Maroon coloured traditional pleated games skirt while doing some groan up work on the computer.
I did it cos it's been a stressful time dealing with loads of important emails and all I want to do is be little again playing school games. It's true.
I was a bit shocked after hitting the submit button on Newitts, the York based internet sports store after entering my payment details but the deed is done.
I want my childhood back.
PROMOTING THE LITTLE GIRL WAY OF BEING
I ADORE BEING A GIRL
I love the way my long tresses feel on my cheeks
I love how my skirts and dresses caress and kiss my thighs when I move
I love the way satin feels all over my little body. Especially the very feely parts
I love the sounds of our names: Linda, Michelle, Tara, Denise, Lisa, Andrea, Page, Helen, Alicia, and Christine that are flowery, sweetly or cutely feminine and pleasing to the tongue and the ear
I love the quick feather-light little kisses that we are famous for as when we seal a pact
I love my dollies and the little person that each of them is, talking to, hugging and kissing them lightly
I love looking at dresses and tiaras and dreaming of how scrumptious it would be to wear the one I am looking at
When I move quickly or run, I love being a whirl and flutter of golden hair and skirts and a glitter of tiara
I love the smell of rose, lilac and baby powder and lotion
I love tea parties where we get together and talk about our dollies and things
I love being Little instead of a Baby or Sissy because I am aware of all these scrumptious feelings and the things that give them to me and that this is what it means to be Little Girl
...........................................................................................................................................................
I, Joanne, so agree on this day, I am this little girl
Source: sandralyn.net
This week I go on special training course for work in the City of Manchester which is in part one to one tuition by a specialist and part putting into action using group role playing what individually what we've been studying. I caught the electric train locally to get to it, walking the short distance from Piccadilly rail station to the city centre having remembered to pick up my mobile phone. The last time I used the trains a lot I didn't have one so it was more about having change for the payphone on the station concourse.
Performing is something I've always loved even if learning lines was nerve wracking, taking part in school plays and assemblies so this bit of the course is something I'm sure I'll enjoy. It appeals to the kid in me.
I met some very nice people of all backgrounds as we chatted over lunch, finding out some still enjoy writing letters to long time friends and how those bonds from their childhood matter to them.
After this course I "Go live" in my new post.
