Friday, January 1, 2016
New Year Edition
Seeing it is the very start of the New Year and that it's customary on this blog to take a bit of time to look at the previous year and what it is we feel the New Year will be bringing.
I think the word that best fits how I experienced this last year is deeply because simply everything just feels to me that it can never really be the same for all of those experiences, the good and frankly the emotionally draining and heartbreaking.
For one thing, everything I experienced emotionally has has left a very deep impression on me from learning which people matters the most to me in my life and what my real needs are in so many ways.
2015 as I envisioned it was just going to be a run on of 2014 as by that years end I had an idea of what a 'little' I was, the sorts of things that did interest me and to a point how in terms of presentation I presented both at home and when at various meets.
The big change when it comes to presentation was I moved very much into wearing tunics (okay Brits, Gymslips) / school pinafore dresses and 'proper' gym knickers near enough all of the time apart from my summer gingham school dress and pleated green and grey skirts.
They not only are so me but also pretty well define me as the middle I am.
This year gone, we only had one LG Camp here in the UK which I think it is fair to say is a highlight for those of us who usually attend simply because it gives us that space to express that 'forever a kid' side of us in an accepting environment and critically where we can take part in shared activities that help us all express and explore that side of who we are and from where for us as individuals it is coming from.
There did seem in view of this to be a concerted attempt by various individuals to arrange for other events or to join in existing events outside of our own group to both fill the void and to explore maybe also bring in others too this side of us be it NGP, one off days out or just meeting up with a few friends for a day .
A good number of us did make the Ikklespace Picnic, the 'it sort of happens' event Sammy gets people involved where we did meet a few more people, had a laugh and joke while playing in the open countryside which as it was the first time I'd made it really enjoyed.
I spend some enjoyable days with Andi, Jennifer and Susan here in the West Midlands having fun, socializing and exploring the local rail network getting about letting my small side out playing with dolls, teddies and colouring to my hearts content.
Then there was (translation:wuz) the GHS bonfire get together which brought a few people who I hadn't seen for a bit together and where in view of how some us were feeling regarding other events, play really was needed so we played and hung out together which made me feel very much 'little' like a group of children just having fun together.
Lillian's departure stopped most of us in our tracks, caused a number of us to consider just how much we knew about how one another really felt, the gifts we all have and what it means to care deeply about someone. I really cannot thank the people outside the group at FA enough for just being around listening and caring not just for myself but for several of us in membership there because it was what we needed so badly.
I haven't felt so truly close to some people for well decades even as I do now, being able to let them in emotionally nor to have and continue to feel supported and loved. It also reminded me of how it is in online communities although everyone may be deemed to be a friend, really they are not-they're acquaintances we spend time together but do not know so much of one another nor form the emotional bonds that lead to caring and being cared for.
In 2015 I know I am cared for and I know I can reach out and care for others.
I encountered across the year a number of people in places and contexts that I would not of ordinarily expected, indeed if I was to draw a timeline showing significant encounters and discoveries on my 'like a kid' life we'd have the mid 2000's, finding online bulletin boards and early hosted blogs (on GeoCities et al), 2011 and GirlTalk and G.I and communities on Tumblr for 2015.
One chance encounter, several PM's and a few mutual friends lead to some interesting exchanges about what it means to be a 'Little' and where in the scheme of it you fit in and it in this that I realized what best described how I felt was more "a Middle with a little side" because while certain interests and behavioural aspects were more typically 'Middle' there were chunks not least on my emotional side that have more in common with stereo typical 'littles' chunks stemming from my many disabilities that have limited my development in everyday terms.
For me then, the 'Middle with a little side' is less of role play you drop into so much it's just a label that gets me in settings that better suit my real life needs, being effectively an adult child at many levels (I'm just not up to Adult responsibility developmentally).
The other related side to this is I have extra help and input now from people who provide the kind of loving care, support and structured environment that also is quite strict to help me be more productive and adopt better habits as that Middle. I also have to wear my uniform.
This involves by mutual agreement my acceptance of their authority, working through issues and the acceptance of any traditional emotional age child-like discipline by me as needed to help change those habits, attitudes and behaviours although the constant support and guidance is the most important thing.
This was one the most important things to happen in my life last year even if it isn't something everyone would go with simply because I am doing so much better for having that guidance and structure in place.
I have adapted to the imposition of that strict discipline well, making the transitions I need to become more mature in a 'as good as a middle way' I can. I honestly believe it was something I badly needed in my life and it will continue to feature in the New Year.
An unexpected side effect from those changes is that I do feel very much middle/little in my headspace, where at one time I may of presented as a Middle and perhaps played a bit in good number of ways I'd of still of been thinking more so-called adult role (for me it's more impersonation than actually having much of an adult sense of self), I felt that much younger, not having adult authority turning off my natural instincts to play together for want of being at least in on groan up small talk.
I feel smaller, more overtly child-like relating more to the groan ups as that child, accepting their authority where they need to take control as I do little stuff with other littles and I like that feeling heaps.
The other side of the coin is where as coming to the end 2014 chunks of me felt more like an an adult who wasn't in control of their emotions, getting into scrapes lashing out, not thinking through, being allowed (or enabled) to do pretty much what I liked regardless, the end of 2015 has left me more as a growing up Middle, knowing my limits but getting to grips with personal responsibility, exercising initiative, respecting elders and authority while accepting that authority to look after me where I have vulnerabilities I cannot met just by myself.
Being at the point of coming to terms with how your life has left you, its restrictions and how the differences between yours and 'the many' need to be handled is the destination I have arrived at. I've made my peace with it.